Identity Crisis
*English is below.
振り返ると自分が何がしたいのかわからなかった根本的な原因が、私の場合は「アイデンティティ・クライシス(危機)」状態だったと心理学の勉強をしていて気づきました。きっかけは発達心理学者のエリク・エリクソン(1902-1994)さんの生い立ちを知って自分と重なる部分があり、別の視点で自分の過去を振り返ることができたからです。
エリクソンさんはドイツのフランクフルトのデンマーク系ユダヤ人家庭に生まれて、二重差別を受けたり、実父のことを知らなかったり、義理の父が医師だったことで医学を進められたけど反抗して放浪画家としてヨーロッパを旅したり、カナダ人の舞踏家と結婚したり、ナチス政権時にアメリカに亡命したり…そんな中で常に「自分が何者か」が揺らいでいたそうです。
私は純日本人ですが、父の仕事の関係で転勤が多く、幼稚園も3回変わり、小中学校の4年間をペルーで過ごし、しかもインター校ではなく日本人学校に通い、中3で帰国して、引っ越す度にカルチャーショックを受けたり、両親と価値観が違う事実に気づかずにどうして両親がすんなりと賛同してくれる発想ができないのか悩んだり。また、帰国子女だけど、いわゆる英語ネイティブの帰国子女ではなく、でも、日本の文化に違和感を感じることが多々あったり。
環境が変わる度に取るべき行動の正解が変わり、一方、家でも自分が思いつくアイデアは両親を心配させてしまうことが多く、自分の選択に常に自信を持てない日々がずっと続いていました。果たして私はなんだろう、誰なんだろう、どうやって生きるべきなんだろう、と。
そりゃあ自分が分からなくなり、何がしたいか分からなかったよね、辛かったよね…と、やっと過去の自分のことを今の自分から切り離して認めてあげることができました！
また、私は子どもの頃からずっと異文化に興味があったのですが、それは自分がフィットするアイデンティティの社会を探してたんじゃないかな…と気づいたり。きっとヨーロッパを放浪していたエリクソンさんも似た気持ちだったのではないかな。。。
アイデンティティ・クライシス状態を知ってから、やりたいことを見つけられたはずの今の自分でも不安に襲われる時は「アイデンティティが揺らいでいる時なのかも」と分析して気づけるようになりました。
そんな時こそ、ワクワク感じるものをする時間を増やしたり、新しいことをやってみたりすると新しいアイデンティティに出会えるかもしれないし、その過程を利用していこうと思いました！
アイデンティティが揺らぎやすいと自覚しているからこそ、これからも色んなことを学んでいきたいと思っています！
Looking back, I realized that the root cause of my not knowing what I wanted was, while my psychology studies. In my case, one of the reason was the condition of “identity crisis.” The trigger of the awareness was when I learned about the background of the development psychologist Erik Erikson (1902-1994), which overlapped with my own experience, and I was able to look back on my past from a different perspective.
Mr. Erickson was born into a Danish-Jewish family in Frankfurt, Germany, suffered double discrimination, never knew his biological father, was encouraged to study medicine because his father-in-law was a doctor, but rebelled it and traveled around Europe as a wandering painter, married a Canadian dancer, and defected to US during the Nazi regime… In such circumstances, he was always unsure of “who he was.”
I am a purely Japanese person. Because of my father's job, I had to move around a lot, changed kindergartens three times, spent four years of elementary and junior high school in Peru, went to a Japanese school there instead of an international school, and returned to Japan in my third year of junior high school. Every time I moved, I experienced culture shock, also I was troubled as to why I couldn't come up with ideas that my parents would easily approve of, not realizing that my values were different from theirs then. Although I am a returnee, I am not so-called a “native English speaker returnee,” but I often feel uncomfortable with Japanese culture.
Every time the environment changed, the correct action I should take changed. In the other hand, at home, the ideas I came up with often made my parents worried, so I continued to feel unsure of my own choices. I wondered “what am I?” “Who am I?” and “How should I live?”
That was a big reason that I lost track of myself and didn't know what I wanted to do, and it should be so hard period for me... I could become aware of that situation and I was finally able to separate my past from my present and acknowledge it!
Also I realize that I have always been interested in different cultures since I was a child. I think that might be because I was looking for an identity society which I could fit in.... I wonder Mr. Erickson had similar feelings when he was wandering around Europe.
Since I learned about the state of identity crisis, when I feel anxious even though I think I have found what I want to do, I am now able to analyze and realize that it may be a time when my identity is wavering.
At times like these, I thought that I want to spend more time doing the things that excite me and tried new things that might help me discover a new identity, and I decided to make use of that process!
Because I am aware that my identity is easily shaken, I want to continue learning many different things!